


a broken heart, two lost loves, and a happily ever after

by writerdragonfly



Series: [keep us together] [7]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Caitlin-centric, Canonical Character Death, Child Death, F/M, Families of Choice, Friendship, Healing, Introspection, Longing, Loss, Past Infidelity, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 02:41:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6138561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerdragonfly/pseuds/writerdragonfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Caitlin; all the loss and healing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a broken heart, two lost loves, and a happily ever after

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dragdragdragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragdragdragon/gifts).



> For Jamie and in memory of Mae. 
> 
> This, well, exploded. It's probably my favorite fic I've written so far though?
> 
> Though other pairings are mentioned and referred to in varying amounts over the fic, this _**is**_ a Caitlin Snow centric fic. Her relationships, platonic and romantic, are much more heavily focused on. If you're reading it for the other pairings, you won't find much here.
> 
> Takes place just prior to Noraverse Family of Rogues AU and thus contains spoilers through [an ice skater, a family, and a turkey.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5331929)
> 
> The past infidelity tag refers to Caitlin's first partner, and is covered at the beginning of this fic. Additional notes on the Child Death tag occur in the end notes. 
> 
> I was reminded of three songs over the course of writing this, and I'll post them below.  
> [Gravity - Sara Bareilles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_U6iSAn_fY)  
> [Redeemer - Paul Cardall](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPfxzGJ_adI)  
> [Broken - Lifehouse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s)
> 
> Happy reading!

###   

### -x-

 

When Caitlin is eleven, her entire world is shaken up. Her mother dies in a car accident, and she’s shipped halfway across the state to her father a day later. He isn’t like her, is nothing like her mother.

 

Sometimes, she sneaks out of her new bedroom in the middle of the night and turns on the porch light and waits there by the front door, as if it will summon her mother from the dead.

 

Her parents had never been married, never even considered it. They had an amicable relationship, from what Caitlin was able to see, but they weren’t committed to each other.

 

Her mother raised her, her father’s money paid for anything they needed, and that was that.

 

Caitlin’s father was a musician, spending great long swatches of her childhood on the road. Her mother dated often, but Caitlin always knew when her father would be coming for a visit by the lurid boxes her mother would pick up with the groceries.

 

Before her mother died, Caitlin adored her father. It was easy to love him, like a treasured doll she could put back in the box and not think about for a while.

 

Things were harder when she started living with him full-time.

 

Things _changed_.

 

He had never wanted children, content to shower her with presents from afar. He tried, but even a normal child would have been too difficult for him to care for without putting his career on hold.

 

And Caitlin? Caitlin was far from normal.

 

When she graduates high school at sixteen, she has no intention on returning to her father’s home for good. She packs her room up herself, drives herself to her new campus a few days after graduation, and starts with the summer term.

### -x-

 

She doesn’t make friends easily, but it never bothered her much. When she was younger, she had her mother. And then she was too busy working through advanced classwork to really notice anyway. She tries anyway, joins study groups she doesn’t really need, volunteers at the local animal shelter, offers tutoring in the student center.

 

Her acquaintances are okay--and that’s all they are. She tries, she does. But it hadn’t been easy to make friends as a child, and doing it as a young adult is far more difficult.

 

It’s somewhat a surprise when Caitlin--just shy of eighteen--meets Gabriella and instantly connects with her. The older girl is assigned as her roommate at the start of second year and she’s beautiful, all cinnamon skin and startlingly blue eyes. She’s wicked smart and funny, and Caitlin falls in love with her before she even realizes she _likes_ her.

 

Gabriella is her first everything--first kiss, first time, first love. They’re together two years, spend their holidays holed up together in motel rooms and in sleeping bags. Caitlin joins her family for Christmas, calls and talks to her dad about her over New Year’s.

 

Caitlin wants to marry her, wishes she could. She doesn’t tell her this, doesn’t risk Gabriella spooking, deciding to go for someone less attached.

 

It doesn’t matter anyway. Caitlin returns to their shared apartment a day early after a wicked fight with her father to find Gabriella in bed with a stranger, moaning adulation into his mouth and gasping in pleasure.

 

Caitlin _hadn’t_ expected it, even though it doesn’t surprise her. They fight, loud and terse and irate. Caitlin breaks up with her with an angry hiss, and they argue about it, but ultimately it’s Caitlin who packs her things and moves out.

 

She decides then to put her focus back on her career, and tries to ignore the loneliness that creeps in her belly.

### -x-

 

When she accepts the position at STAR Labs, it feels a little like coming home for the first time in years. She invests herself in her work, and doesn’t see Ronnie coming.

 

But Ronnie comes. He sweeps her off her feet with the curve of his smile and the fire in his eyes, and she loves him so much that it hurts. He melts down her barricades with sweet soft kisses and overly romantic gestures, and she wishes that she had found him first. That she had waited for him instead of getting her heart beaten up by a pretty girl who knew the right things to say, knew how to make Caitlin fall into line with what she wanted like a stack of cards and make it feel like it was Caitlin’s idea.

 

Ronnie is brilliant and funny, but he’s not mean. He’s kind where Gabriella was biting, soft where Gabriella was hard.

 

Ronnie teaches her how to love herself and her body alike in a dozen different ways, in simple gestures and warm wet whispers and promises made to her skin and so many other things that she never expected, envisioned, dreamed.

 

Caitlin loves him so much that it feels like she’s burning inside, and when they get engaged, she feels like she’s flying.

 

She meets his parents once before the wedding and a part of her wants to have that kind of relationship with her father, instead of the one they have now. She wants to be able to talk to him again, and Ronnie tells her that she should, and she thinks _after the honeymoon_.

 

She’s on cloud nine when the particle accelerator explodes, and then her life gets fuzzy around the edges.

 

She mourns with Ronnie’s parents, who kiss her forehead and say the right things and let her in.

 

Her father dies a few weeks later, breaking news of Michael Snow’s heart attack plastered on national television before she even gets the call.

### -x-

 

She finds out she’s pregnant in February, feeling hollow and alone. She falls in love with the idea of being a mother in an instant, _wants_ the baby with a fierce intensity she hadn't known she had.

 

She keeps it to herself, not wanting anything else to change yet. She doesn't tell Ronnie’s parents, isn't sure how to. She hopes but doesn't think they'll actually believe the baby is Ronnie’s. She’s sharp edges where Ronnie was soft, inherently cold where Ronnie was warm. Ice and fire. The more times she speaks with them, the surer she is that they don’t understand her at all.

 

So she tells no one, though she plans and plots and purchases and dreams.

 

She knows that a part of her is afraid, is terrified of doing this on her own--that it’s part of why she’s hiding her pregnancy, but she does everything she can to ensure the baby’s healthy.

 

And then everything falls apart in April.

### -x-

 

She’s alone when she notices the blood, bright red against cotton. She drives herself white knuckled to the hospital, and she doesn’t think she’s ever been so scared.

 

Caitlin doesn’t think before she does it, just dials Cisco’s number as she waits for the doctor to set up the monitoring equipment. He answers after two rings with something in his mouth, and she just blurts it out.

 

“I need you at the hospital.”

 

“Something happen with Allen?” Cisco asks her and it makes sense, but she doesn’t know how to tell him.

 

“No, I just--I didn’t know who else to call,” she answers and she knows she must sound a little hysterical because she feels hysterical. She feels like she’s flying apart at the seams, like there’s an explosion happening underneath her ribcage and she won’t survive the blast.

 

“I’ll be right there, Cait,” he says, and something about the tone in his voice helps to calm her.

 

By the time Cisco gets there, the doctor has the ultrasound on her belly and she’s watching the baby’s tiny little body swimming around. He sees it, looks at her, and knows.

 

Caitlin is listening to the doctor as she tells her what’s happening, but she knows it’s not really connecting. She had this fear the moment she saw the blood and it doesn’t help knowing it’s true. Words fly past her and she knows she responds but she doesn’t actively remember doing it.

 

The baby is healthy, fine, perfect.

 

Her body is not.

 

“It’s just too late to do the procedure, we can’t stop the delivery.”

 

The baby is just too young to survive outside her womb and there’s not enough time to stop her delivery.

 

Cisco is a solid presence beside her, a gentle hand on her back. He stays through the next few hours, stays through her labor and doesn’t even attempt to leave when her son is born.

 

He doesn’t ask her any questions, just answers the doctor’s when she can’t speak.

 

She names her son Michael Francisco Raymond and lies in her hospital bed for a long time, cradling his tiny little silent body.

 

Cisco doesn’t leave her.

### -x-

 

Caitlin goes back to work less than two days later, unable to handle being alone at home with an empty nursery, unable to handle staring at the soft pastel painted walls and warm colored blankets for a minute longer even though she knows her body still needs time to heal. Cisco protests, but she comes in anyway and neither of them say a word about what happened to Dr. Wells and she doesn’t feel like he needs to know anyway. Cisco doesn't leave her alone for long, and she knows he understands how grateful it makes her.

 

They move Barry Allen to STAR Labs a few days after that, and Caitlin is happy for the distraction.

 

It's easy to forget when she has something to focus on, something to care for. She pours herself into learning everything she can about Allen’s physiology, about what the particle accelerator explosion did to him.

 

Months pass by, Cisco a steadfast presence at her side.

 

Then Barry Allen wakes up, and there's an almost violent realization that hits her--she won't have anyone to look after anymore.

 

But she _does_ , it turns out, she does still need to look out for Barry Allen. He's a force of nature in and of himself, a brave and heroic man. She doesn't fall in love with him--she's not ready to fall in love for the third time--but she can see how utterly easy it would be to do it.

 

She channels herself into being his friend, into being the best damn friend she can be while still mourning the loss of her fiancée and the baby almost no one else knows about. She laughs, and sings, and sometimes for a little bit she forgets.

 

And then she gets a call from Barry Allen and he says, “I need a paternity test done,” and “I have a daughter.”

 

She remembers when she realized she was unexpectedly pregnant, the way she just suddenly knew. She remembers sitting on her bathroom sink in her most comfortable old pajamas with a little plastic stick sitting very carefully next to her.

 

She remembers picking it up and staring at the pale blue dash-plus in the tiny window and realizing, “ _I'm going to have a kid._ ”

 

It hurts, it hurts so much that when she hangs up the phone she punches a hole through her bedroom wall with her fist because all she wants to do is cry and she can’t let herself do that because Barry will know and Barry _can’t_ know.

 

She picks herself up and cleans the drywall dust and blood off her fingers, wraps her hand with the last few bandages in her bathroom, and gets dressed.

 

She gets dressed and meets Barry at the clinic and she's the epitome of professional as she discusses things.

 

Barry’s daughter is a beautiful little girl and Caitlin’s reminded of being her age and losing her mother and being shipped off to a father that didn't really want her but couldn't say no. But she knows Barry must’ve fallen in love with his little girl the instant she showed up, because that's the kind of man he was and that's the kind of mother Caitlin had been the moment she read the results on her little white stick.

 

She's not at all surprised to get the results that tell her that Barry has a ten year old, and a part of her _aches_ with such a _longing_ that it almost makes her sick.

 

She shows up on Cisco’s doorstep without a word, losing her composure completely when he opens the door. He pulls her inside and just holds her tightly against his chest and she feels so incredibly blessed for a best friend like him.

 

When she can finally manage to speak she tells him about Nora Allen Drake, and the look on Barry’s face and how she went to STAR Labs to run the tests before she did anything else. How she knows Barry has to wait before he gets the official results, but she couldn't even tell him it was a match because everything _hurt **so much**_.

 

Cisco makes her eat and sleeps in his bed with her and it's not at all sexual. She likes to think that if she ever had a brother he'd be just like Cisco and she tells him as much as she falls asleep.

 

In the morning she makes him breakfast and he makes a terrible joke about one night stands and she laughs and relaxes and she almost wishes she'd fallen in love with Cisco instead of Ronnie. ( _Almost_.)

 

And life goes on. The more time she spends with Nora, the less she thinks about Michael. It's not that he matters less, that it hurts less. It's just, easier.

 

Sometimes it feels like a betrayal, but when it does she just remembers that there was never a moment where she didn't love him.

 

She misses Ronnie, but Nora makes it easier to miss him too.

### -x-

 

The thing about it is that she never sees Nora as a baby. She's ten from the get-go, so there's not a constant reminder that oh, her son died before he got to live.

 

Then Nora sets up a girl’s night, and Mick Rory shows up at the door with a teenage girl and the most adorable baby Caitlin’s ever seen in her life.

 

Haydn immediately demands her attention and for the first time since her son died she holds a baby in her arms.

 

And it aches, it really does, but it also feels like such a relief, like she's been waiting an eternity to know what it really felt like.

 

When Iris shows up, it's easier to relax. Caitlin talks to Mick’s teenage daughter about biochemistry of all things, and finds excuses to pick the baby up. Lisa Snart shows up and it's not even enough to bother the duality of sadness and happiness that overflows her just from being with children.

 

Caitlin joins Lisa in the kitchen and they wash dishes together while making unimportant small talk and Caitlin tries to throw hints at her to ask Cisco out already because her brother deserves to get the girl for once, doesn't he?

 

They end up talking about absent mothers and Caitlin can't imagine what would possess Sera Rory’s mother to effectively abandon either one of them because they're bright and beautiful and Caitlin would never have stopped being a mother if she had a choice.

 

After the girls are asleep, Lisa and Iris sneak out to the local grocer and come back with junk food and cheap wine and they sit up all night together talking. Caitlin’s never had that before, female friends she can do that with. She had Gabriella but Gabriella was never actually her friend and well, Gabriella wasn't even a good girlfriend in the end anyway, was she?

 

They talk about their exes--male and female alike--and neither of them give her shit about only ever having two of them, and it's nice.

 

It's nice and Caitlin almost says something about Michael but she decides not to in the end.

 

A part of her is afraid at how they'll look at her if they know.

 

In the morning, Caitlin holds Haydn a little tighter when she picks her up and no one notices but _she_ knows. She knows why she does it, and _nothing_ in her lets her regret it.

 

When Nora starts crying, Caitlin gravitates to Lisa without even thinking about it and they tag team her and for the first time in years, Caitlin talks about missing her mom.

 

She leaves when Nora falls asleep, but she's got Lisa’s number in her phone and plans for drinks with her and Iris later in the week and she finally feels like maybe she's _really_ moving on.

 

Suddenly Caitlin starts having girls’ nights out with Lisa and Iris, settles into a routine where they're able to make inside jokes and poke fun at the men in their lives and just _be_.

### -x-

 

Caitlin’s life starts feeling full again, and then Barry calls to tell her that Leonard Snart is the proud father of a six month old _baby_ and she feels everything she'd been working so hard to keep bottled up suddenly exploding.

 

She's happy for them, really. She doesn't know how the hell they ended up with a trans-dimensional child but they're happy and Barry adores little _Michael_ and...

 

And no one knows why Caitlin wants to be alone but she really can't handle things. She takes a week off and checks into a hotel on the other side of Central City that Cisco reserved for her. And no one else knows where she is or why she’s gone, just Cisco because she doesn’t need to tell him anything, he just knows. Because he's _the only one who knows_.

 

She runs into Mick Rory on a sidewalk just outside a mechanic’s shop a block away from her hotel, and he's got grease on his face and splattered across his jumpsuit but he doesn't look as terrifying as she first thought he did--used to think he did. Maybe it was seeing him with Haydn, maybe it was something else. She doesn't know.

 

He calls her Dr. Snow and she smiles at him a little and she can't even figure out why.

### -x-

 

But she goes by again the next day, stops by the same mechanic and blushes a little when Mick notices her. She doesn't know why she's here, doesn't really have a reason to be.

 

“Hi,” she says when he comes out to meet her and she doesn't know why her voice sounds like she's out of breath but it does.

 

“Did you need somethin’?”

 

“I don’t... know?” she says, because she _doesn’t_.

 

“But you came to see me anyway?” Mick asks, an eyebrow raised at her.

 

It occurs to her then that she's calling him Mick in her head and she doesn't even know _why_ she's doing that, let alone the rest of this, _thing_ she’s doing.

 

“I'm off in half’n hour. If you wanna see the girls.”

 

“Oh, okay, yes. Thank you,” she rambles, and she knows she's blushing.

 

“See you, Doctor,” Mick says and she likes the way it feels.

 

She buys a sandwich at a cafe a few blocks down and picks at it as she thinks about what she's doing.

 

She still doesn't have an answer half an hour later, but she shows up outside the mechanic’s shop anyway.

 

Mick leads her to a car. It's a little beat up and obviously used, but there’s a car seat in the back and Caitlin recognizes Sera’s backpack on the floor. She hesitates, but ultimately decides to say fuck it.

 

She's taking a vacation from being responsible, and she might as well go all in.

 

Mick’s house is in need of a new paint job, but otherwise Caitlin likes it. Sera is lying on the couch when they come inside, a book splayed open on her stomach though she's looking at her cell phone instead. She doesn't see Haydn, but she gets the feeling she's somewhere in the house anyway.

 

“Seraph, where’s your sister?” Mick grunts, and Sera startles a little as if surprised he's home.

 

“Taking a nap, Da,” Sera says, sitting up quickly. Her book--an astrophysics textbook--clatters to the floor and slams itself shut. She finally seems to notice Caitlin, her eyes going wide.

 

“Caitlin? Why are you here?” she asks, puzzled.

 

“I invited her,” Mick says, and Sera stares for a few minutes before she seems to decide it's an acceptable answer.

 

“She doesn't like the new meds, Da. But she ate everything off her plate at lunch today, so it's better.”

 

“Go wake her up, take her temp for me?” Mick says gruffly, and Caitlin doesn't say a word until Sera’s out of the room.

 

“Meds?” Caitlin asks softly.

 

“Haydn’s got a thing, guess she was born with it,” Mick says vaguely, but there’s a look on his face that makes her hurt.

 

“A genetic disorder of some kind?” Caitlin asks, and she doesn’t think before she does it, just places a hand gently on his arm.

 

He looks at her hand, slowly moving his gaze to her face, searching.

 

“Don’t know,” Mick sighs, and Caitlin squeezes his arm, “Doctor never found anything but when she gets sick...”

 

“Do you... I can run some tests, if you want?” she asks him, finally releasing his arm.

 

“She’s hot again, Da!” Sera’s voice carries from down the hall.

 

Mick swears under his breath, but Caitlin doesn’t blame him. She follows him, stopping a few steps behind him when he walks inside a bedroom. It’s painted in shades of green and brown, like a magical forest. It _fits_ , somehow.

 

Haydn’s skin is flushed, her eyes a little glassy looking.

 

Caitlin remembers the fear that pooled in her belly when she saw the blood just a few hours before she lost the baby, she remembers how scared she was.

 

“M--Mick,” she starts, and it feels like sandpaper in her mouth, “I’ve got a full medical bay, we can--can do tests there that a regular doctor can’t.”

 

“You would do that?”

 

“I... She’s just a baby, and even if you--if I thought you...” Caitlin is well aware she’s rambling but she can’t seem to help it. She feels so wrong-footed but at the same time, she just _can’t_ sit by and watch... She **_has_** to do _something_.

 

“Okay,” Mick says, and he picks up Haydn so gently that Caitlin’s response gets stuck in her throat.

### -x-

 

She texts Cisco during the drive to STAR Labs and he’s quick to assure her that no one’s there. He doesn’t ask why, and she reminds herself to buy him something spectacular.

 

He does offer to come if she needs him, and for that she’s incredibly thankful, even though she does decline.

 

Haydn whimpers a little when Mick picks her up out of her car seat, and Caitlin wants to do nothing but make her feel better.

 

Mick carries Haydn inside and Sera holds his free hand as if they’ll disappear if she lets go.

 

They’re such a _family_ , the three of them, and she _wants_ that kind of relationship with someone. She wants a family.

 

Caitlin explains what every test she does is for, is patient when Haydn doesn’t want to participate, and answers any questions Mick and Sera ask her.

 

Haydn’s fever finally breaks, although her temperature still runs a little higher than normal. Caitlin finds her a juice box in the staff refrigerator that she’s pretty sure belongs to Cisco, and the little girl drinks it without complaint.

 

The tests that complete while they’re still there show absolutely nothing wrong with Haydn, even the ones Caitlin was sure _would_.

 

“There’s more tests I could do, but we should space them out a few days. If, if that’s okay?”

 

“Thank you, Doctor Snow,” Mick says, and she finds the more times he says her name like that, the more she likes it.

### -x-

 

The thing is. outside Haydn’s test, there isn’t really any reason for her to be spending time with Mick Rory. She _knows_ this.

 

It’s easy to forget about _Barry’s_ Michael when she’s with him, and impossible to forget about hers, but it doesn’t hurt so much with Mick.

 

She knows if she thought about it long enough, hard enough, it’d be easy to figure out _why_ that is, but she doesn’t think she wants to.

 

When Sera goes back to school on Monday morning, Caitlin offers to watch Haydn so Mick can return to work. She doesn’t think about it before she offers, but she likes the way his mouth curls up when she does it.

 

After having spent most of the weekend (and thusly the first half of her week of vacation) with Mick and the girls, she realizes as she puts Haydn down for a nap that she’s gotten _comfortable_ here.

 

It’s oddly _nice_ when Sera swoops into the house after school and settles onto the couch with Caitlin, a novel in hand; it’s oddly domestic when Mick gets off work at five-thirty and it doesn’t even occur to Caitlin that she could have--perhaps _should_ have--left.

 

“I’ll be back in the morning,” she tells Mick when he’s preparing to make dinner, slipping on her coat.

 

He looks up in surprise, and she really like the way his eyes light up, “You could stay for supper.”

 

There’s a rush of warmth in her stomach at his words and she’s pretty sure her heart’s ramped into overdrive, but she shakes her head.

 

“I need to head into the lab and check on Haydn's results, But... maybe tomorrow?” She says, biting her lip nervously.

 

“We’d like that!” Sera’s cheery voice interrupts, and Caitlin knows there’s no hiding the blush that’s heating up her face.

### -x-

 

Cisco is in her lab when she makes her way inside, a white paper-stick between his lips. He’s staring up at one of the screens that reads _NEGATIVE_ and doesn’t even notice her arrival.

 

“Cisco?” He startles a little, the wheels of his computer chair jolting a few inches across the floor.

 

“Cait, are you testing the baby without asking Barry--”

 

“ _No_ ,” she interrupts him, and she hates the hard edge to her voice.

 

“Who’s kid--”

 

“You can’t tell anyone,” Caitlin says vehemently, “it’s not anyone else’s business.”

 

“I won’t, what is--”

 

“Her name is Haydn, Haydn Rory.”

 

“Rory? Like, _Heatwave_ Rory?”

 

“Yes, look I know I told you about the girls back in April,” Caitlin says, “And I didn’t expect to see them again.”

 

“How did you end up running tests on baby Heatwave on your _vacation_?”

 

“That’s... complicated,” Caitlin says, because she’s still not sure how it happened.

### -x-

 

The thing is, Cisco is definitely still her best friend, and he’s the kind of best friend who is willing to give her time. Oh, she’s positive he’ll be teasing her about it in a few weeks, but she doesn’t think anyone’s understood her as well as Cisco does.

 

Not even Ronnie.

 

But then, she’s not the same girl she was before the particle accelerator exploded, is she?

### -x-

 

Caitlin goes back to Mick Rory’s house in the morning, gets there before Sera’s even left for school. Mick lets her inside, Haydn perched on his hip as the toddler grabs fistfuls of his white t-shirt in strawberry jelly covered hands.

 

Sera is eating a bowl of cereal, half an english muffin sitting in front of her. She looks tired, but she still graces Caitlin with a smile.

 

Caitlin takes over washing Haydn up while Mick changes his shirt and gets ready for work, and she can't help but think this should be weirder than it is.

 

It's the 26th of September, 2017, and Michael should be about three years old and Haydn is three years old, and Mick’s a criminal and people have died because of him, but when she looks at the careful way he leaves a kiss on Sera’s forehead before she jets out the front door for school, and the gentle way he holds Haydn like she's something fragile and important, she doesn't see the Heatwave that terrified her two years ago.

 

She sees something precious, something soft, something that she knows almost no one ever gets to see. People don't know that Super Criminal Mick Rory has children because he does his damnedest to make sure they never suspect. If they don't know, his kids are safe and she doesn't doubt for a second that this is all to do exactly that.

 

Haydn’s health has improved over the past few days but it's not because Caitlin’s done something to fix the underlying cause. Her temperature seems to baseline at 99.7, which is unusual but she doesn't seem negatively affected by it until it skips up past 101.

 

She puts Haydn in the playpen as she contemplates what to make the two of them for lunch when Mick shows up, still geared up in his coveralls and smeared in oil and grease.

 

“Why did you come,” Mick asks her, pulling out a loaf of bread, “that first time?”

 

“When I ran into you... Or when I came back the next day?” she asks, hesitant.

 

“Either.”

 

“Barry and Len got the kid,” she blurts, and she can feel her face heat up as if she has something to be ashamed of.

 

“Michael, right?”

 

“... Right. And I’m happy for them, it’s just...”

 

“You seem fine around the girls,” he starts, and she shakes her head.

 

“It’s... different, with them. Easier...”

 

“You don't hafta’ tell me, if it bothers you that much,” Mick squeezes her hand and releases it before Caitlin even has a chance to say anything about it.

 

“They wouldn’t understand, they don’t know. _No one knows_ ,” Caitlin says, the words tumbling out of her mouth, “but you almost lost Haydn once, you know... you _know.”_

 

Mick stops putting together his sandwich and turns to face her. That serious, searching look is back on his face, and she feels like he can read every secret thought she’s ever had when he looks at her like that.

 

“What was his name, your son’s?”

 

Caitlin swallows hard, closes her eyes, “Michael.”

 

He folds her into his arms without saying a single word, and he’s warm and solid and she doesn’t even try to stop herself from crying into his chest.

 

He doesn’t hold her the way that Ronnie used to. He’s all taller, hard muscle. It’s not as soft, she doesn’t fit against his body in the same way. He engulfs her in his muscular arms and she fists her fingers into his jumpsuit and sobs into the middle of his chest,

 

She feels _safe_ , and she didn’t realize how long it had been since she felt utterly and totally safe.

 

He’s late to work returning from his lunch break.

### -x-

 

Sera gives her a hug when she returns from school, just drops her bag by the door and practically jumps on her. She’s all sharp elbows and her hair gets in Caitlin’s mouth, but it’s a _good_ hug.

 

“What was that for?” Caitlin asks her.

 

“It’s... you’re going to think it’s weird,” Sera says, pushing her hair behind her ear.

 

“I won’t, I promise.”

 

“It’s just, you’ve spent more time here than my mom ever did at one time. It’s... nice.”

 

“ _Sera_ ,” Caitlin says, but she doesn’t know what else to say, so she hugs her again.

### -x-

 

Mick cooks dinner for the four of them that night while Caitlin helps Sera, Haydn sitting quietly in her lap with a children’s book and occasionally reading words aloud to herself. Caitlin stops to correct her only a handful of times, which earns her that grin from Mick’s direction that makes her stomach flip.

 

Which, she really shouldn’t _like_ it so much.

 

They eat at the kitchen table together, Caitlin pressed a little closer to Mick than necessary. But she doesn't protest it, just takes comfort in the warm of his leg against hers.

 

Caitlin checks Haydn’s temperature again after Mick gets her ready for bed, marks it down in her notebook and packs it away in her purse.

 

She leaves a little while after that, the strange _warmth_ of the house still clinging to her shoulders.

 

Caitlin falls asleep in her hotel room bed that night with a smile, strangely content.

### -x-

 

Haydn goes back to daycare the next morning, though Caitlin stops by to check on her before breakfast anyway. Her temperature is still holding steady, and hasn’t spiked in a few days. She tells Mick to keep an eye out for in anyway, and desperately tries not to blush as she types her phone number into his phone.

 

He thanks her again, and she doesn’t even hesitate on returning his hug.

 

It feels like she’s been around Mick and the girls for months instead of days. and feels oddly bereft when she leaves the house that morning.

 

When she checks out of her hotel and pulls into STAR Labs for work, she sits in her car for five long minutes, staring at her text messages.

 

[ _text:_ You deserve to be happy too, Doctor.]

### -x-

 

Caitlin continues running tests on Haydn, after her and Mick set up appointments for every Monday and Thursday. The results show nothing new, nothing _wrong_.

 

Caitlin hates that she doesn’t have any answers.

 

She joins them for dinner after Haydn’s appointments, stays for a few hours afterward most nights. Sometimes she helps Sera study, but most of the time she stays and sits in relative silence with Mick, content to just _be_.

 

She doesn’t put much thought into the quiet conversation they have after Sera escapes to her bedroom, doesn’t dwell on it. It’s _good_ and real, and for the first time she feels like she can talk about Gabriella and Ronnie and _Michael_ without feeling like she’s falling apart.

 

Sometimes she listens, lets Mick talk about Sera and Haydn’s mom and how much he hates her for what she did to Haydn, what she kept doing to Sera.

 

She thinks she hates Cece for what she did to Mick, too.

### -x-

 

“Was hard, at first, Getting used to the pull, getting used to the fire again,” Mick tells her one night in front of his fireplace, “It was different, before Haydn. Sera, there was a plan for what would happen to her if I got arrested, ya’know?”

 

“A plan?”

 

“Used to have a neighbor, helped me with Sera. Cece, she was always gone and I had no idea what I was doin’. She was old enough to be my ma, but she ain’t let no one treat her like an old lady. She helped me set up the paperwork, was willing ‘ta take in Sera if something happened. She died just before Haydn was born.”

 

“But then it was just you and Sera?”

 

“Didn’t take any jobs after I got Haydn. Sera coulda handled herself, but not a baby too. I didn’t plan to go back to stealin’, but Snart asked, and it was... “

 

“Snart? Not Len?”

 

Mick smirks, “No, not Len. It’s not that he’s got that multiple personality disorder shit, but professional criminal Snart? He ain’t the same guy as the Len I know now.”

### -x-

 

The thing is, September fades into October, and the next thing Caitlin knows is that it’s almost Halloween and she’s spent two days a week for more than five weeks around Mick and his daughters.

 

She still doesn’t have an answer for what ails Haydn, but she likes spending time with them anyway.

 

And even if she hadn’t, she doesn’t think she’d be able to stop trying to figure it out.

### -x-

 

Lisa and Iris invite her out for a Halloween party, and it sounds like fun. She wants to go out with them, dress up and be the thirty year old she is.

 

But there’s that maternal part of her, the one she hadn’t _expected_ until she found out she was pregnant, the one she’s been letting out around Sera and Haydn (the one she _hadn’t_ let herself think with when she was around Nora)--there’s that part of her that agreed when Sera asked her to go trick-or-treating with them, the one that wanted that.

 

The one that wanted to be a mom more than anything else.

 

“I would love to,” she tells them, sipping her drink, “but I already made plans for Halloween.”

 

“Oh?” Lisa asks, with that lascivious look on her face, “Who’s the lucky guy?”

 

Caitlin blushes and downs the rest of her glass as a distraction.

 

“Or girl,” Iris says, winking.

 

“I am not prepared to discuss the situation at this juncture,” she manages to say, proud of her ability to get the entire sentence out without giggling.

 

“That is so not helping,” Lisa smirks.

### -x-

 

Half of Mick’s neighborhood end up under the assumption that Caitlin is Haydn’s mother.

 

Caitlin doesn’t mind as much as the thought she would.

 

Neither, it turns out, does Mick.

### -x-

 

The Monday before Thanksgiving, Mick kisses her cheek before she leaves for the night.

 

She doesn’t know what it means, but she likes it.

 

When she gets home, she debates with herself about texting him for almost an hour.

 

She ends up putting her phone away without doing anything, but falls asleep smiling anyway. She’ll see him next week and ask him then.

### -x-

 

Caitlin had gone to Ronnie’s parents for Christmas and Thanksgiving every year since the accident. They had been the ones inviting her, the ones assuring her that she was always welcome.

 

They had never said or done anything to indicate otherwise, which is why it’s such a surprise when Ronnie’s father opens the door at her knock but doesn’t let her inside.

 

“You can’t keep coming here,” they said. “You’re just another reminder that our son is dead.”

 

 _It’s your fault_.

 

Maybe they wouldn’t have said a thing if they’d known about Michael.

 

Or maybe it would have been worse.

 

She wants to go home, to see Mick and the girls. And, it doesn’t surprise as much as she thought it would to realize that.

 

But she can’t. They don’t need to worry about her, not today.

 

She goes to the West house instead.

### -x-

 

She’s sitting with Lisa and Iris in Joe’s living room, finally starting to feel human again, when Mick shows up. She hadn’t expected him, and the way he looks at her when he sees her, she knows he hadn’t expected her either.

 

“Can I hold her?” Caitlin asks him, offers her arms out.

 

“Haydn, do you wanna sit with Doctor Snow?” Mick asks, and Caitlin knows it’s for her benefit. So she can deny everything if anyone asks. It’s a nice gesture, even though a part of her hurts on his behalf.

 

Haydn nods, and climbs into her arms and it’s _good_.

 

She smiles at Mick, and remembers the kiss on her cheek, and somehow it’s easier to forget about the Raymonds.

 

“She’s not...” Caitlin starts, then stops. because Lisa doesn’t know. No one here except _Mick_ knows, not even Sera.

 

“Haydn?” Lisa asks, curious and confused.

 

“I’ll tell you later...” Caitlin says, because she thinks she might be able to, soon, finally tell someone else about her son, “How are you doing, Haydn?”

### -x-

 

“Hey, Caitlin?” Iris asks, her voice loud enough to carry over everyone else talking..

 

“Yeah?” Caitlin answers, looking up from feeding Haydn.

 

“You wanna be the baby’s godmother?”

 

The house goes silent, still.

 

Caitlin knows her first thought should be excitement, should be happiness.

 

And it is, she’s happy for Iris.

 

But there’s that part of her that she hates that thinks, _it’s not fair._

### -x-

 

She goes home alone that night--over Lisa’s protests--and tries to settle down.

 

Despite the Raymonds, and despite the guilty feeling in her gut over being jealous of Iris’s baby, it had been a _good_ day. She’d gotten to see Haydn and Sera and Mick, and...

 

And then she’s slipping her coat on over her pajamas and going out to her car.

 

Caitlin doesn’t always know what the right thing to do is. She’s never been good with people.

 

But she knows that there is somewhere she wants to be right now, and it’s not home alone.

### -x-

 

Mick doesn’t seem all that surprised to see her. He takes her coat and hands her a blanket and she sees the fireplace going already and the kids are probably in bed, if not asleep.

 

“Thanks,” she says softly, a hand on his arm. She meets his eyes and feels something inside her settle again, and she likes the way he looks at her.

 

“Any time,” he tells her, and she knows he means it.

 

They don’t talk that night, though he does tell her about Cece’s surprise visit and odd behavior. She’s not in the mood to talk, and he isn’t either. She tells him that Ronnie’s parents told her to leave and never come back, and then she deliberately curls up under his arm on the couch and laces her fingers in his.

 

She falls asleep like that, comfortable and safe and warm.

### -x-

 

In the morning, Caitlin wakes up to a camera flash. Sera grins from behind her cell phone, unrepentant.

 

“ _Sera_ ,” Mick grumbles, but Sera just smiles wider.

 

They argue about the pictures, but Caitlin knows by now that it’s mostly for show. She thinks Mick will probably ask her to send him one later, and it warms something in her to think about it.

 

The three of them make breakfast together, Haydn even pitching in to help by pressing down the toast. It’s relaxing and good and Caitlin really does think she could get used to it.

 

She doesn’t know what Mick wants, hasn’t asked.

 

Caitlin doesn’t want to lose this, because it feels like, for the first time in a long time, there’s really something there _to_ lose.

### -x-

 

They head into STAR Labs. It’s partly because they hadn’t done Haydn’s tests with the holiday, but mostly it’s an unspoken excuse to spend more time together. Caitlin’s not unaware of that.

 

Cisco is wheeling around in his chair when they walk in, obviously bored. He doesn’t jump when he notices them, but Caitlin thinks it’s a near thing.

 

“Caitlin. Heatwave. Baby Heatwaves. Microwave?”

 

Sera bursts out laughing at Cisco, which makes her father’s shoulders relax. Caitlin smiles, and lets Sera amuse herself with Cisco.

 

“Are you ready for your tests, Haydn?” Caitlin asks the little girl softly as Mick settles down into a chair with her.

 

“Caitlin make better?” Haydn asks, nodding at her. Caitlin has to swallow before she can respond.

 

“We’re going to try, sweetheart.”

 

Haydn only squirms a little, far too used to getting her blood drawn. It doesn’t hurt any less than the first time Caitlin realized that.

### -x-

 

“Hello?” Caitlin says into her phone on Sunday morning, blowing hair out of her face.

 

“ _Doctor Snow_ ,” Mick says, and she can hear the smile in his voice.

 

“Mick,” she says, glad he can’t see her blushing, “What can I help you with?”

 

“ _You can say no_ ,” he starts, hesitation clear in his voice, “ _But Sera’s out with Nora today. Haydn and I would love if you joined us for breakfast.”_

 

“Okay,” she says, “I’ll be right there.”

 

### -x-

 

They don’t have an excuse to sit close together when they eat, but they do it anyway. They do it anyway, and Caitlin likes the way her stomach flips when her hand brushes against his.

 

After they eat, they finally get around to talking about Thanksgiving. Haydn plays on the floor, talking to herself.

 

Caitlin wants to find Cece and punch her in the face, but it’s not a new thought.

 

“Doctor Snow,” Mick says, standing in front of her, still holding Haydn’s empty cup, “ _Caitlin_. Lisa was right, you know. They’re stupid not to want you.”

 

“I know,” Caitlin says, because she’s starting to believe that.

 

“You’re more Haydn’s mother than Cece ever could be.”

 

“ _Mick,”_ she says, standing up to face him.

 

“ _Caitlin_ , I’m not going anywhere,” Mick sets down the cup and takes her hands in his, squeezes lightly, “When you’re ready, we’re here.”

 

He doesn’t let go.

 

“I’m ready,” she says, and she knows it’s true.

 

She pulls her hands out of his, cups his face and kisses him.

 

He pulls her closer and kisses her back, and she finally feels like she gets to keep them.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Caitlin delivers her child around twenty weeks. A fetus is unable to survive outside the womb until 24 weeks at the absolute earliest. Her condition, which is not stated within the fic itself, is called incompetent cervix. There is no way to test for an incompetent cervix prior to one occurring, but once it happens once, it'll likely happen again. There is a procedure called a cervical cerclage that can be done as early as 14-16 weeks to stop the cervix from forcing an early delivery, but there is not always time. Caitlin's condition is a real condition, and happens in about 1 in every 100 pregnancies.


End file.
